Mothers, always do remember how they felt on their pregnancies, especially their first one. I was excited and scared. Becoming a mother is something I planned and wanted. I was emotionally ready to become a mother. To fall in love, with this tiny human being with whom, I shared my body, my air, my thoughts, and whole lot of food for months. This little human, growing inside me, is going to upgrade me to a better version of me. Put me among the privileged, the blessed, and lucky few, who get to be mothers.
The much anticipated day has arrived. She is here in my arms. All the pain & agony is gone. My happiness was indescribable. Two days later as I had my baby in my arms, The Dr. said “Your daughter has down syndrome." I was shocked, overwhelmed, & tired. However I just hugged her so tight, I fell in love with her all over again. Not knowing how to start our journey, the journey that I had no plan for. My thoughts were scattered. For a while, I embarked on an emotional roller-rcoaster.
I felt sorry, that she had a rough start in life. Therefore she had to work harder for everything. My daughter, made me realize how self centered I was and her presence changed my perspective in life. She taught me, how to be patient, compassionate, appreciative, and that hard work & consistency do pay off. I was enlightened. As I discovered a love I never knew it existed. Where you give and expect nothing in return. Unconditional love. A mother’s love. Saja was preparing me for my next unknown blessing; my son.
When my son Bader, turned almost three, we got the awful diagnosis, Autism. My husband & I were devastated. I was Inconsolable, Mad & angry. I sobbed for weeks. My family and friends were very supportive, but I needed to hear, from people who were in the same situation. I was longing to hear from a mother, that my son will sleep better, get calmer, stops hurting himself, and talk. I used to compare him, to other kids his age and feel ashamed of myself for doing that. Guilty of wanting, what everybody else around me had. Don’t get me wrong, My love for my children has & will always be unconditional. The issue was dealing with the unknown, accepting that Autism is part of my son. My son was suffering & I was helpless. I did not know how to help my love. But as the days went by, I started reading books and searching on line, meeting people on line, who shared the same unplanned adventure as me. I learned that there are ways to help myself help my love.
And it is OK to have those feeling. It is OK to have those feeling. Yes, Say it out load: It is OK to have those mixed feelings. After all we are humans, & we want the best for our children. And when faced with something like Autism, so vague, where there is no medical treatment , nor a one fit all. You cannot not help but feel angry.
Once, I overcame those feelings, and accepted the diagnosis. I started to see more clearly. And I am trying to do my best to help my son, fulfill his dreams. It is tough love, but I hope that one day, he will look back and understand, why I kept fighting him to keep his hands to himself. And why I made him work hard for his favorite show, and favorite snack. I pray to God, that I will be around to hear his version of his childhood.
Few years back, I asked myself: Why me? And as I got older, but not necessarily wiser, but I came to make peace with myself. I know God chose me. Because he loves me. He gave me two gifts, blessed me by becoming a mom, and made me a special one too. I do embrace my life. As I have no doubt, that God wants me to have a fulfilled life, a life where nothing is taken for granted. Every smile, touch, kiss, word, is a thrill, and a celebration. It is never boring in our home & God knows how much I hate tediousness. I am a happy, optimistic person, & I have always been known as such, of course I get tired, exhausted. And I too, want progress faster that I can say it. But I stopped worrying about my children’s future. God has a plan for all of us.
This link, has a great story, describing what it feels like raising children with special needs.
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